Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
