so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
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I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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