So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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