Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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