I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
