ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
