seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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