I want to walk on stilts...naked
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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