No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
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