Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
