Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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