My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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