he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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