shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
