the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
