I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
His nipple licking is glorious
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