when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
