i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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