i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
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