Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
