i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
should my penis look like a turkey
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She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize