Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
