ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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