I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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