I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
