You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
