In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
