She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
