Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Dick very happy bro
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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