I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
