Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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