Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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