turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
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