I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
