Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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