I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
