Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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