i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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