i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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