did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
