Can Purell be used as lube?
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
