I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
