dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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