I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
