a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
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