I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
