Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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