I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
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Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
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Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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