So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Randomize
