so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
