Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Randomize
