My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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