someone threw a dead crab at me
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Man, jail baloney is awful.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Randomize
