i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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