Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
