Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
